It's been 8 months since Freddie died. I haven't been able to bring myself to write anything on my blog because I don't want his picture to move down the page. I still miss him just as much - maybe more than ever. As I write, I have a huge lump in my throat and my eyes seem a bit blurry. I have no idea what to say. God continues to give me strength daily, but it's just plain hard. It's just plain icky to lose someone you loved so much. I keep thinking I need to be over this, but I know from past experience that it doesn't happen that easily. I'm not sure I'll ever "get over" losing him. I haven't gotten over my Daddy's death and that was over 12 years ago.
I'm attending a Beth Moore Bible Study with some of the women from my church. It's called "Living Beyond Yourself". Last Monday night she talked about being still enough to allow the Lord the "bind up our wounds" - to heal the deep hurts within us. It occurred to me that I really don't think I've been letting God do that. For one thing, I'm really never "still". I'm too busy for that.(read a LOT of sarcasm in this statement). The other thing (and probably the most gripping) is that the wound is too fresh, too painful. I don't want ANYthing to touch it, much less clean it out. When I was a kid my mom used to cover us in Merthiolate. If you're familiar with the deeply staining red liquid you know how badly it hurts when a cut is doused with it. I don't want any part of that kind of pain. Yet, I know...if God will truly use me...if God will do His work in me...this pain will be to His glory and praise.
So there it is. No major revelations or big game changers. Just the the way it is, today. Tomorrow may be another story.
A special "thank you" to Donna. She doesn't know me and I don't know her, but God used her to prompt this post. She commented on my last post and it stirred my heart. Thank you for listening to God and acting.